Thursday, July 7, 2011
i had a tough day yesterday.
a really tough day.
and then i had a dream last night. i dreamed that someone told me what direction to go in in a huge forest. if i got to a big, green lake, i went the wrong way. i walked and walked, through trees and fields, and eventually, there it was. a big green lake. i went the wrong way. but when i looked out over that big overlook... there was an absolutely breathtaking lake. emerald green... waterfalls... moss... absolutely gorgeous.
it reminded me of a labyrinth i walked several years ago.
at the time, i was going through one of the hardest times of my life. i was trying to get pregnant. and it wasn't working. we had many obstacles. we had many sad days. many. sad. days. it felt like it would never end. to this day, just thinking of that time brings tears to my eyes.
we went away to a bed and breakfast for a weekend. outside, there was a labrynth. i've walked them before, but this time was different. never before had it taken on the meaning like it did that day.
you typically ask a question, or make an intention, before walking in. i asked "when will i get pregnant?" and i took my first step in. as i followed the path, i immediately started straight towards the center... the "destination"... where i would come to an answer. and just as it seemed i was getting there, the path made a sharp turn. completely away from that center. twists and turns followed. bringing me further and further away from that center.
and i started to understand something. something new. i was learning.
this path... there was only one way to go. it would eventually lead me to that center. no matter how many twists and turns i took, no matter how far away from the center i was, if i kept walking, i would get to the center... to my destination. if i just... kept... walking.
i would get close, then far again. walk straight towards the middle, just to learn that i would skirt the center without making it in. i would be brought all the way out to the outer edge again, before, finally, with tears streaming down my face, i slowly stepped in that center.
i made it.
it wasn't the path i would've chosen, had i been the one to make the path. i wouldn't have even thought of going so astray just to get to my center. but i got there. one step at a time. i didn't find the answer in that center, i found it along the way.
had my life taken me in any other direction, we wouldn't have the little boy that we have today.
we have bad days. we have good days. but they all follow along a path. we get close to our goals, and we get brought far, far away. but along the way, we see things we may have never otherwise seen.
i will look around. i will learn from my days. no matter how hard they are.
it's my everyday labyrinth.
at 12:00 AM