Wednesday, November 30, 2011

clearing out...

seems like the fog of newborn life is clearing...

we're getting back into a (little) groove...

understanding one another...

gathering ourselves.

aside from the readjusting to a family of three to a family of four...

from learning how to manage doing the little things i became so accustomed to...

like nap... the dishes... the laundry... walking out the door at a reasonable hour... brushing my teeth...

i also learned a little something else.

i get in my head.  a lot.

before being a mom, i was a teacher.  before being a teacher, i was a teacher's assistant.  before being a teacher's assistant, i volunteered working with children.

i have ALWAYS been around children.  whether it be work, or play, or life.

i've studied children.  i've listened to children.  i've theorized about children.  i've subscribed to blogs about the best ways to raise children.  i've read books about children.  many, many books.

and it's given me a lot of knowledge.  as well as a lot of experience.  and i'm grateful for that.  all of that knowledge and experience has helped me be the mom that i am today.  and it gives me the ability to question what i do... in a way that allows me to constantly seek improvement.  and, hopefully, not get stuck in my ways.

here's the kicker...

sometimes, i just want to forget it all.  just let it all go.

because it can keep me up at night.

it can keep my away from my children.

it can consume me in a way that's just not healthy.  and pull me from being present.  from being really, truly present.

instead of just being with leo, i'm thinking about which is the best  way to be with him.  instead of just sitting down and playing, i'm thinking about which way will allow him to grow the most in that situation.  instead of just communicating with him during a meltdown, i'm thinking about which exact words i should be using so that we all come out of it having learned something positive.

and it's EXHAUSTING.

and i'm missing a lot of moments.  and a lot of joy.

so, while i appreciate all of the things i've learned... all of the things i've read... all of the lessons i've taught...

it's time to relax.  to let go.  it's time to trust my gut sometimes, and just be.  without thinking.

to allow the joy in that is so easily blocked when it can't get past all the constant thinking that's going on.

and know, that i'm doing the best i can.

we all are.


2 comments:

Liz said...

Awesome, Heather. This is really awesome. It reminds me of 2 things.

1. I often tell myself that I am doing my best and my best is good enough.

AND

2. I recently had the thought that no one that I know is intentionally hurting their children. My parenting style and philosophies may differ from others, but that does not mean they are superior. We are all entitled to our own way. That helps me when I am confused about others choices vs. my own.

Food for thought. Oops! I forgot - we are trying to do less of that :)

Liz

a happy wanderer said...

thanks, liz :) you're right... we all do things the best way we know how. it's so hard to remember that sometimes.